001 : Coaches Corner with Josh Thurston. Do Children Need to Win? Why Winning and Losing Both Matter in Childhood

How Important Is Winning and Losing in Children?

There’s a phrase many of us have heard countless times: “It’s the taking part that counts.” It’s well-meaning, simple, and wrapped in good intentions. But when we really stop to think about what it means, does it hold up? Or does it soften something critical for children — something they’ll need later in life?

This isn’t a blog about scores on a scoreboard. And it’s not about whether one child is better than another. This is about mindset, resilience, growth, and what it truly means to prepare children for the real world.

Because here’s the thing: if a child never wins or loses anything, at some point they won’t know what it truly feels like to succeed — or to fail. And those experiences matter — deeply.

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Why Winning and Losing Aren’t Just Games

Imagine this: a child plays in a school football match and loses. They walk off the pitch disappointed, maybe even frustrated. They might kick a ball against a wall or drop their head. But what if, instead of sitting with that feeling for a moment, we hurried in with praise like “That’s okay, you tried”?

There’s a world of difference between dodging the experience and teaching the child how to meet it.

Because life isn’t filled only with participation trophies and pleasant surprises. Later on, in school exams, job interviews, auditions, relationships, or projects — children will encounter loss, rejection, disappointment, and setback. Those moments are inevitable.

And here’s the message I want every parent and coach to take away:

👉 Failure isn’t something to be avoided — it’s something to be understood.

👉 Success doesn’t make you stronger — the journey does.

If children are sheltered from losing — or from truly competing — what happens when they face a real challenge? A job rejection, a missed promotion, a failed exam, or a project that doesn’t go the way they hoped? They won’t be equipped with the emotional tools to cope. They’ll experience these setbacks differently — often more painfully — because they have no frame of reference.

That’s why winning and losing in childhood aren’t about the final result — they’re about developing the mindset of growth.

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Winning and Losing: What I Tell the Children I Teach

As a coach, one of the things that gives me the greatest joy isn’t the scoreline — it’s watching how the children I teach respond to either outcome.

I often say to them:

“It’s okay to really want to win — and it’s okay to really not want to lose — as long as you carry dignity and respect in both outcomes.”

Because wanting to win isn’t about ego — it’s about striving for your best. Wanting success is not shallow — it’s human. It’s the same drive that pushes us to ask for that extra revision session, to show up for an interview early, to put in that extra practice before a performance.

And winning — when it’s handled with grace — is beautiful. There’s a moment of pride, of joy, of seeing effort pay off. But that joy doesn’t come from a trophy. It comes from knowing that you gave everything you had.

And losing? That’s where growth happens.

I’ve seen the children I teach — even very young ones — lose a game and then come to me, eyes watery but voice clear: “Next time, I’ll try this…” or “I’ll train harder!” That shift — from disappointment to determination — is the real win.

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Resilience: The Gift of Encountering Setbacks

Mental toughness isn’t a light switch that flips on overnight. It’s slowly built — piece by piece — with experience and reflection.

One of the greatest lessons children can learn is: You can lose — and you can still be okay. It doesn’t define you. It doesn’t take away your worth. It reveals opportunities for growth.

When a child loses their first game and reacts emotionally — maybe yelling or sulking — what we do next matters. We don’t rescue them from the feeling. We help them understand it. We help them say: “That was hard. I didn’t like it. But I can learn from it.”

It’s not comfortable sometimes. But if we never give children that moment — if they never sit with the sting of loss — they never develop resilience. And resilience is far more important in life than any single game result.

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A Lesson from Rudyard Kipling

There’s a poem written over a century ago that still captures this truth perfectly. Rudyard Kipling’s “If—” speaks to the balance between success and failure and the inner strength needed to handle both. (poets.org)

Kipling writes:

“…If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same…” (poets.org)

That line says it all. Triumph — the joy of winning — and Disaster — the pain of losing — are both temporary. They are teachers, not judges. Kipling’s words remind us that character isn’t formed by ease, but by how we handle the swings of life with composure, courage, and calm. (poets.org)

This sentiment is exactly what we want for the children I teach — not a lifetime of easy wins, but a lifetime of strength, resilience, and perspective.

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Empathy in Victory and Defeat

Another part of this journey is empathy. When a child loses and then shows genuine happiness for the opponent — that’s a profound emotional skill. It shows warmth, maturity, and kindness.

On the flip side, when a child wins but celebrates without belittling others — that’s grace. That’s dignity. That’s a lesson that goes far beyond sport.

These moments — empathy, respect, humility — are the true ROI of competition.

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So Does It Matter If Children Win or Lose?

Yes — it does.

But not for the reason many people think.

It matters because:

• Failing teaches reflection.

• Winning teaches gratitude.

• Both build resilience.

• Both shape mindset.

• And both prepare children for the bigger challenges of life.

When we tell children that “just participating counts” without context, we risk robbing them of the opportunity to build emotional strength. Participation is important — but participation alone is not enough.

Children don’t just need to be present in life — they need to be engaged, challenged, and shaped by it.

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Conclusion: Maybe It’s not just the Taking Part That Counts

It’s not that taking part doesn’t matter. It’s that taking part is only one piece of a bigger picture.

What truly matters is:

• Winning with dignity

• Losing with grace

• Learning from both

• Growing because of both

Avoiding competition or shielding children from loss doesn’t protect them — it leaves them vulnerable when they inevitably face life’s bigger setbacks.

So let’s condition the children I teach early. Let’s help them understand that life will have wins and losses — and that’s okay. Let’s prepare them to meet both with strength, warmth, resilience, and grace.

Because in the end, it’s not about whether they won the game.

It’s about whether they’re ready for life.

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Thanks for Reading. Josh Thurston

ICS Coaching